Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day Cards

If you're anything like me, the worst part about Valentine's Day isn't the crippling loneliness or the sense of impending doom. It's those damn cards that spout lies about how "You're cuter than a wheelbarrow full of puppies and fluff" or "Your eyes shine brighter than a robot on a beach." You are NOT cuter than a wheelbarrow full of puppies, and nothing in this world shines brighter than a robot getting a tan.

Here are some Valentine's Day Cards for you to use when you can't find any that accurately depict exactly how you feel.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

7 Reasons to Break Up with Your Boyfriend

1. He Doesn't Like Porn/Strip Clubs

If your man doesn't enjoy watching porn or going to strip clubs there is something wrong with him. It's possible he's lying, but more than likely he doesn't care about you enough to excite himself before you get down and dirty.

2. He Has a Job

If your boyfriend has a job, he clearly doesn't value spending time with you. If it's a high paying job, he loves money more than he loves you. If it's a low paying job, he'd rather be anywhere else than with you. If he really loved you, he would sit at home, eat cereal, and follow you around all day.

3. He Tells You That You're Perfect Just the Way You Are

This is man-code for "I don't think you have the ability to improve." He may as well tell you that you're an old dog that can't learn a new trick. He has absolutely no faith in your capability to learn or explore new things.

4. He Buys You Flowers

When a man buys you flowers, he is most definitely covering something up. It might be something as simple as cheating, but more than likely he's a serial killer. If you receive flowers, run, because you may be his next victim.

5. He Doesn't Live With His Parents

If your boyfriend doesn't live with his parents, he doesn't care about them enough. Any decent man would realize his mother is sitting at her kitchen table crying because her sweet baby boy is gone. She's probably so lonely that she's started talking to her lawn jockey. A man who doesn't treat his mother well won't treat you well either.

6. He Says He Hates Justin Bieber

Seriously, who hates children? He will never marry and procreate with you.

7. He Brushes His Teeth

We all know that men aren't fans of personal hygiene. If you see your boyfriend brushing his teeth, he is probably most definitely a meth addict. Only the drive to hide his crippling drug habit would cause him to brush his teeth. The more frequently he does it, the worse his habit. The sneakiest part is he thinks you'll just be proud of him for finally getting rid of his 3-week old roadkill breath.